DISCOVERY QUESTIONS

Series: Becoming Who We Are
Passage: Ephesians 5:21-33
Main Idea: God’s design for marriage is grounded in reverence to Him and illustrated
in love and submission to one another.

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GROUP DISCUSSION

Lean In

1. What is/was the relationship status of your parents? Were they married, single, divorced? What lessons did you learn from them—either implicitly or explicitly—about marriage?

Look Down

2. Read Ephesians 5:21. How is verse 21 a blueprint for how all relationships in Christ should be?

3. Read Ephesians 5:22-24. According to these verses, what is the responsibility that wives have in a marriage relationship? What reasoning is given for why wives are to fulfill this responsibility?

4. Read Ephesians 5:25-33. According to these verses, what is the responsibility that husbands have in a marriage relationship? What reasoning is given for why husbands are to fulfill this responsibility?

5. Compare your answers to questions 3 and 4. What stands out to you about Paul’s instructions to both husbands and wives in this passage?

Look Out

On this passage, author and theologian N.T. Wright writes,

“Paul assumes, as do most cultures, that there are significant differences between men and women, differences that go far beyond mere biological and reproductive function. Their relations and roles must therefore be mutually complementary, rather than identical…. And, within marriage, the guideline is clear. The husband is to take the lead—though he is to do so fully mindful of the self-sacrificial model which [Christ] has provided. The church became [Christ’s] bride, not by being dragged off unwillingly by force, but because he gave himself totally and utterly for her. As soon as ‘taking the lead’ becomes bullying or arrogant, the whole thing collapses.

“If this guideline still seems outrageous in today’s culture, we should ask ourselves: do our modern societies, in which marriage is often a tragedy or a joke, really offer a better model of how to do it? Does the specter of broken homes littering modern Western culture indicate that we’ve got it right and can tell the rest of human history how we finally resolve the battle of the sexes? Or does it indicate that we still need to do some rethinking somewhere?”

6. React to the above quote. Do you agree? Disagree? Why do you answer the way that you do?

7. How might this quote challenge critics of Ephesians 5:21-33, who call the charge Paul gives here as “outdated” or “old fashioned”?

8. Do you have an example to share of a marriage that you have always admired? What is it about their relationship that stands out to you? Do you see any areas in their marriage where they follow Paul’s words in Ephesians 5:21-33?

Look In

9. What aspect of what Paul says is personally motivating and even, perhaps, convicting to you? Why do you think it’s difficult to live out some of what Paul says?

10. If you are married, in what practical ways can you live out Paul’s instructions this week? If you are not married, how can you begin developing the character that would make these words easier to implement when and if you do get married?

11. What might get in the way of living this out, and what can you do to overcome it?

Live It Out

12. One of the consistent themes of Scripture is that we need prayer to live out what God intends for us. As Paul said earlier in Ephesians, we need to be aware of the “incomparably great power” that we have available to us through God’s Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:19). Consider closing today by spending some extended time in prayer regarding ways we could really live out God’s instructions to us in this passage. Here are a few suggestions for how you could do this:

– Consider breaking up by gender. Have men go to one room, women to another. Talk about some of the struggles regarding living out this passage among your gender groups and pray for one another. (This option is also best for groups that have people in it who are not married.

– Consider breaking up by couple (if everyone in your group is married and/or dating). Have husbands/wives pray for one another in living this out.

– Stay together as a group, but have each couple in your group pray for another couple (if everyone in your group is married and/or dating).

LEADER GUIDE

Lean In

Purpose: Introduce topic and get everyone talking.

What is/was the relationship status of your parents? Were they married, single, divorced? What lessons did you learn from them—either implicitly or explicitly—about marriage?

This question is not as light of a conversation starter as normal. This question is meant to open up the discussion on marriage as we reflect on those around us and what has been imprinted on us.

Look Down

Purpose: Observe the passage and interact with the text.

Ephesians 5:21-33:

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

2. Read Ephesians 5:21. How is verse 21 a blueprint for how all relationships in Christ should be?

3. Read Ephesians 5:22-24. According to these verses, what is the responsibility that wives have in a marriage relationship? What reasoning is given for why wives are to fulfill this responsibility?

4. Read Ephesians 5:25-33. According to these verses, what is the responsibility that husbands have in a marriage relationship? What reasoning is given for why husbands are to fulfill this responsibility?

5. Compare your answers to questions 3 and 4. What stands out to you about Paul’s instructions to both husbands and wives in this passage?

These questions are primarily trying to get your group to note the responsibilities Paul speaks to that wives and husbands have in a marriage. In verse 21, Paul speaks to mutual submission in a marriage. It is important to note that “submit” does not mean to blindly obey or become a doormat. Rather, submission is refocusing our attention on honoring God and serving others for His sake. A loving, sensitive husband will not force his wife to do anything against God’s will and will not tell his wife to submit or use the word as leverage to get his way. Both partners are called to sacrifice.

For the wife, submission means willingly following her husband’s leadership in Christ. For the husband, submission means putting aside his own interests in order to love and care for his wife. A husband or wife should first seek to serve God and in reverence to God serve one another. The marriage Paul is describing is characterized by love and respect for both husbands and wives.

Regarding verse 22, most scholars believe that wives submitting to their husbands out of reverence to Christ is another way they can express their love for Christ.

Regarding verses 25-33, Paul states that a husband’s responsibility is found in love and sacrifice. Husbands are called to love their wife in the way that Christ loves the church and care for her as he cares for his own body.

Look Out

Purpose: Connect observations in God’s Word with observations in our world today.

On this passage, author and theologian N.T. Wright writes,

“Paul assumes, as do most cultures, that there are significant differences between men and women, differences that go far beyond mere biological and reproductive function. Their relations and roles must therefore be mutually complementary, rather than identical….And, within marriage, the guideline is clear. The husband is to take the lead—though he is to do so fully mindful of the self-sacrificial model which [Christ] has provided. The church became [Christ’s] bride, not by being dragged off unwillingly by force, but because he gave himself totally and utterly for her. As soon as ‘taking the lead’ becomes bullying or arrogant, the whole thing collapses.

“If this guideline still seems outrageous in today’s culture, we should ask ourselves: do our modern societies, in which marriage is often a tragedy or a joke, really offer a better model of how to do it? Does the specter of broken homes littering modern Western culture indicate that we’ve got it right and can tell the rest of human history how we finally resolve the battle of the sexes? Or does it indicate that we still need to do some rethinking somewhere?”

6. React to the above quote. Do you agree? Disagree? Why do you answer the way that you do?

7. How might this quote challenge critics of Ephesians 5:21-33, who call the charge Paul gives here as “outdated” or “old fashioned”?

8. Do you have an example to share of a marriage that you have always admired? What is it about their relationship that stands out to you? Do you see any areas in their marriage where they follow Paul’s words in Ephesians 5:21-33?

People’s perspectives and life experiences will weigh heavily here. Allow people to share honestly while creating an empathic environment.

Look In

Purpose: Internalize God’s Word and apply the truth to your personal life.

9. What aspect of what Paul says is personally motivating and even, perhaps, convicting to you? Why do you think it’s difficult to live out some of what Paul says?

10. If you are married, in what practical ways can you live out Paul’s instructions this week? If you are not married, how can you begin developing the character that would make these words easier to implement when and if you do get married?

11. What might get in the way of living this out, and what can you do to overcome it?

For these questions try and guide your group away from debating, rather focus on the
response of Scripture.

Live It Out

Purpose: Imagine what your world would look like if the truths from the passage were lived out.

12. One of the consistent themes of Scripture is that we need prayer to live out what God intends for us. As Paul said earlier in Ephesians, we need to be aware of the “incomparably great power” that we have available to us through God’s Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:19). Consider closing today by spending some extended time in prayer regarding ways we could really live out God’s instructions to us in this passage. Here are a few suggestions for how you could do this:

– Consider breaking up by gender. Have men go to one room, women to another. Talk about some of the struggles regarding living out this passage among your gender groups and pray for one another. (This option is also best for groups that have people in it who are not married.

– Consider breaking up by couple (if everyone in your group is married and/or dating). Have husbands/wives pray for one another in living this out.

– Stay together as a group, but have each couple in your group pray for another couple (if everyone in your group is married and/or dating).

Close your time by thanking God for the gift of relationships and the ability we have to experience God’s love through another person on this earth.